There was an old woman who lived in a shoe...

Well you would be if you bought these shoes. Brace yourself for the costage... £1,435, I'll repeat that slowly – one thousand, four hundred and thirty-five pounds!

Normally I wouldn't even consider spending such crazy cash on a pair of shoes, but these pumps by model-come-designer, Brian Atwood are just too darn purtty to leave on the shelf. Now how can I convince the boy that I really, really, REALLY need these in my life...

I need a bloody umbrella, ella, ella...

Last weekend while in Paris with my beau, I got into the fight of all fights. And before you ask, it had nothing to do with me having to kick a girl’s ass over who got the last size eight, but with my umbrella!

Yes, there I was trying my damndest to look all Parisian chic and my umbrella thought it would be hilarious to play tag team with the weather and beat me to a pulp, in front of the Eiffel Tower and then continue the beatdown to the Champs-Élysées. The shame!

Which brings me to the question, why considering that I live in a country renowned for its monarchy, cups of tea, Mary Poppins and lest we forget, good old-fashioned rain do I not have a decent umbrella, ella, ella, ey, ey, ey?

You see, all my previous umbrellas have died an untimely death. I had one that broke in half on the way to the tube; another that just blew away and then the unfortunate one that poked a pedestrian in the eye, only for it to "fall" to its death in the Regents Canal.

But, I have spotted a brolly that looks like it may stand the test of time and make those dreary days just that little bit more bearable – Lulu Guinness’ see through birdcage umbrella.

The good news is its super stylish, a snip at £28 and will go with absolutely everything that I own. The downside, as with everything amazing, it’s sold out! However, the lovely people at Anne of Loudonville told me that I could get one, but I have to go on a waiting list. Yep, you heard right, I'm on a waiting list for an umbrella! I don't know whether to feel privileged or lame for even contemplating it. I think I'll go for the former.

Reality Ting: Jedward Extreme Makeover

I'm not normally a fan of the X Factor, but this year, maybe because I was cold and broke; I jumped on the X bandwagon and was hooked thanks to these odd-looking twins from Ireland aka John and Edward aka the force to be reckoned with that is JEDWARD. Yes, these pubescent twin things had me in stitches with their weird outfits, vertiginous quiffs and painful singing. It was like watching a car crash; horrible, horrible to watch, but you still had to have a nose. Can we ever forget their rendition of Britney's Oops I Did It Again?



Anyway, it was only a matter of time before the Brothers Grime[s] got booted off the show, after all it was a singing contest, and chucked into the post reality death hole currently occupied by Rachel and her many personalities, Lucie Welsh and the guy with the pork pie hat. Luckily for us, Jedward and their winged Adidas have flown onto big tings. Capital Jingle Bell Ball tickets... SORTED! Lucrative TV contract... IN THE BAG! Modelling contract... DON'T BE STUPID! Or so I thought til I caught a glance at these bad boys in this week's Grazia...

Hello! These guys look slicker than a tub of Brylcream! No more comedy hair, the colour coordinated suits have been used as firewood and the Adidas wings, well they’ve been kept, we like those. I have to give a triple high five to super stylists Mark Anthony, Frank Strachan and Tom Stubbs for coming up with these ingenius looks. It’s like The Krays meets Mad Men, so suave, so debonair and so not the Jedward we have grown to, adjust to.

I admit their styling off stage (quiffs not included) wasn’t that bad; skinny jeans, trainers, the tie, but it wasn’t anything spectacular. This, however bolsters them way up into the fashion stratosphere (Burberry campaign anyone?) and temporarily erases any memory of the LouisandSimanufactured 118esque images that have singed our cornices for the past six weeks.

I guess the next challenge is to give them so actual real talent (love you guys, but you’re tone deaf and rhythmically challenged)… Dear God…

UPDATE: Just heard on Capital that Jedward are gonna be on the Simpsons. Clearly these twins are going to be around for a very long time.